Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
