You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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