Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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