remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
