If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
