ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
