he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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