There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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