look no pants
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
