Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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