Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
