I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
