I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
