One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
