i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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