Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
