Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
