I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
