He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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