well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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