The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
