i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
