Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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