I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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