a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Are my feet made of real feet?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm always down for nudity.
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