I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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