One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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