Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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