i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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