bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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