apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
