You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
