remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
