Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
