if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
