i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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