508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
