I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
