She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
