did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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