woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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