im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
