Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
