i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
