I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
