I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
