its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
