I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
