This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
