she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
