my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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