I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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