If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
