it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
