saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
