he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
