So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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