Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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